Words Can Crush the World

I couldn’t figure out why the underside of my boob wouldn’t stop itching….

…so I had to go to the restroom, take off my scrub top, and figure out why.

The underwire popped out! So I had to pull it out. So, my boobs felt kind of lopsided today…. Haha. =P

Also, I got news about my patient from a few weeks ago who had the bad GI bleed. They flew him to a different hospital and he’s doing a lot better now. So, I was tickled pink about that. And, I was touched they thought to tell me.

AND, at the end of the day my instructor goes, “Oh, Tiffany! I talked to Dr.——— the other day about you. I told him one of my students observed him all day. He said he had never had a student ask so many questions before!”

I go, “Did that bother him at all that I asked so many questions?”

She laughed and goes, “No! He loved it! He said normally students just stand there and watch, but that you kept asking every question imaginable! He loved it!”

So, that made my day, too. =)

I needed to have a good day after last night’s news.

But! Have to change my clothes and go shopping for a new bra before I head to work for the night.

What sort of nice things did yins do for others today?? Tell me! I could use a bit of sunshine in my inbox these days! =)

xoxo

As I sit here and write this, there are millions of people all over the world fighting the hardest battle they will ever fight in their entire lives.  As I sit here and write this, someone somewhere on this earth is dying or has just now died.  As I sit here and write this, scientists somewhere are either working on a cure or have already found the cure and are bound by all sorts of red tape because of the government.  As I sit here and I write this, I am in a massive state of shock. 

As I sit here and write this, my aunt is across the country slowly dying. 

I just got off the phone with my mum half an hour ago.  My Aunt L has colon cancer.  She was diagnosed a year or two ago and it went away, then it came back.  She’s doing her chemo and radiation and although she’s exhausted, she’s doing well all things considered.  The news I got tonight was the last piece of news I ever expected to receive, though. 

My other aunt, Aunt M, officially got the news today that she has Stage IV lung cancer and that it has spread to her bones.  She has multiple lesions on her bones already.  The doctor told her that she has six to eight months to live. 

She lives in Colorado. 

Our family is here in Pennsylvania. 

She plans to work as long as she possibly can.  But…arrangements still need to be made to sell my grandparents’ property they left in Arizona……and to make arrangements to sell her property, as well. 

She’s coming home for about ten days at the end of December just to visit…but mum said she still wants to fix up one of the bedrooms upstairs in the event that she comes to stay permanently in the future. 

My dad and Aunt M are very close.  She’s the oldest of the eight kids, I believe…and he’s the youngest.  He’s not handling the news very well at all, which is perfectly understandable. 

Aunt M has asked that no one contact her for a few days so that she can have some time for herself to come to grips with the news. 

Mum has asked that no one call their house for a few days, as well, because dad and Mumsy (gramma) need some time.  She has also asked that I call my brother to give him the bad news, and to make sure he knows not to contact them for a while.  I tried contacting my brother, but I just got his voicemail.  I just asked that he call me back.  I didn’t say why. 

I’m not even sure what I feel right now.  It’s….a mix of different things.  On one hand I feel numb…on the other hand I feel sick.  I can feel my eyes prickling behind my eyelids but I know that no amount of tears will change the outcome. 

For once, I am not looking forward to going to clinicals tomorrow.  I just…

I don’t know if I’m ready to face the hospital just yet, knowing that my aunt is all alone in Colorado while we’re all here. 

Having a vivid imagination doesn’t help, either.  All I can do is sit and wonder about what she’s doing right now.  Is she crying?  Screaming?  Throwing things?  Is she calm?  Is she being stoic about it?  Is she lonely?  Is she raging at whatever higher power she believes in?  Or is she at peace, somehow? 

And then I think about my dad. 

Pap (grampa) just died in March.  Mumsy lives with my parents now.  Aunt L is battling colon cancer.  Uncle L is having some health troubles (he’s waiting on tests to find out what).  Dad himself was just in a bad accident in September.  And now this…

So, I’m wondering what’s going through my dad’s head right now. 

I’m wondering about everything right now. 

I think I’m still in a state of shock…

Three hours of sleep. Three.

I am so thankful I’m in class today instead of at clinicals.

I think?

O.o

…But I keep getting distracted. And then I gave myself a mild panic attack because I knew we have class tomorrow but then some small OCD voice in my head made me run out to my car in the rain just to double-check my schedule to verify (and reassure myself) that I am, in fact, in the classroom tomorrow and *not* at the hospital.

The mild panic attack was because clinicals mean getting up at 5am….whereas class time means I can squeak in some extra Zs until 6:30am.

My OCD tendencies tend to make me second-guess myself a lot - haha - so I *definitely* wasn’t going to get to fall asleep until I saw my schedule again. I feel reassured now.

Now if only I could actually fall asleep.

I guess there *is* such a thing as too much coffee…… =P

Sweet dreams, lovers!

xoxo

….I need to brush my teeth. All that coffee has made my mouth feel gross. =/

I’m thinking I need to claim the rights on a new weight-loss program.

It’s called the “lock-yourself-in-your-craft-room-making-jewelry-all-day-while-consuming-nothing-but-music-and-coffee” diet.

It is currently 5:32pm, dark outside already because winter sucks, and I still have to run to the store and then come home and actually eat something. I was too caught up making a necklace that I lost track of time.

Hmmm…..I could get used to that. ;)

xoxo

….is sitting in my craft room creating jewelry, a steaming mug of coffee on the table next to me, while still in my bathrobe and my hair standing up every which way, with Janelle Monáe blasting from itunes.

I’m pretty easy to please. ;)

xoxo

….tomorrow the month from hell will begin. On the plus side, though, I get a week off from class/clinicals during Christmas. So, I only need to stick it out for a few weeks.

Also, Level II ends this month and I have a final to cram for. And then Level III begins in January: OB/GYN and Pediatrics. I am so excited to be able to take care of kids finally - I am great with kids - but honestly? I am dreading the OB/GYN part. *Dreading it*. I don’t want to watch someone give birth. At all.

It’s not that I’m calloused or cold-hearted. Child birth *is* a beautiful thing and new mothers really *do* glow. I just don’t want to see it. Child birth terrifies the living shit out of me. It always has.

Add to that, I haven’t decided if I want to have kids of my own in the future. I know that if I do, then I would love to adopt…I’ve always said I would want to adopt a kid in the foster system. But I still haven’t decided if I actually want kids in my life or not, whether adopted or by blood.

There are people in my class who *insist* that I’m “young and don’t know what I want yet” and that “when I’m older I’ll change my mind.” One girl - and she’s actually a nice person, just very forward with her religious beliefs - flat out said to me at the beginning of school that if I don’t have kids then my life would have been nothing and I’ll have nothing and no one when I’m older.

Which, I don’t believe for a second, but I digress.

I am dreading being talked down to and made to feel as if because I’m younger I couldn’t possibly know what I want.

So….yes. I am both excited for and dreading Level III. And, we have all new clinical and classtime instructors for Levels III and IV.

I must be a masochist….because I’ll be going *back* to school to get my RN after this whole shebang is done and over with.

I love to learn and I love to help people. I hate studying all the damn time and I hate the bullshit. But, I *am* very happy to be back in school. I am *very* thankful for that.

It doesn’t mean I can’t complain, though! ;)

Going to spend my last day of freedom - er, vacation - locked in my craft room. I have jewelry orders I need to fill.

Hope everyone has a great day!!

xoxo